The Pull

Have you ever felt that life played tug-o-war with you?

Or, imagine a piece of taffy being made at a candy shop. It’s being pulled, stretched, twisted, compressed, and then the process starts all over again. Now, insert the image of someone around 5′1″ tall with reddish-blonde hair,  and then you have a nifty visual example of how my life feels right now.

Taffy Pull

 Since the demise of my engagement, I have often thought of moving back to Iowa, land of corn fields, soy beans, and hog manure scent. Most of the sad things in my life occurred when I lived back there, but it is still stashed away in my heart as home-sweet-home. After a year and a half in Utah, I feel comfortable here.  I have friends, a stable job despite the industry I work in, a solid church, a cheap apartment, access to cultural opportunities, and some of the best recreation available in the United States. I mean, sometimes I even go hiking!

Proof I hike!

But why, after all this time, does Utah still not feel like home? It’s not a place I am wholly unfond of; it just feels as if I am constantly someplace that is familiar to me, sort of like going out of town and visiting family. You know your way around, it’s easy, it’s comfortable, you get it. But it’s not the place where you go and heave a sigh of relief, finally feeling as if you are free from the pressures of the world. For me, that place is still Iowa.

I have no shortage of people there that want to see me head back to Des Moines. Every time my mom calls, she will end our conversation with, “Please move back to Des Moines!” I have several friends who will often encourage me to come back (Jesse? Michelle? Jenni? Jenny? I am looking at you!)  but something hesitates my heart from running back to the frigid embrace of the Iowa wind.  Partly, I feltas if I have not been fair to Utah. Let me expound (as if you have a choice!)

Essentially, a good chunk of my life here has been a negative experience. I must admit a large  chunk of this was brought on by myself. The last several months I have been living out my own version of Ecclesiastes. I was unsatisfied with God Himself, and started to seek worldly things to replace gaps in my life that I should have allowed the LORD to fill. Instead, i let my eyes wander like Solomon and seek after the temporal. I have made some mistakes, and as usual, I discovered God is who He says He is, and yes, He wants me to be who He says He wants me to be. The only thing that changed was my level of satisfaction with God because He wasn’t giving me what I wanted. As a result, I made some big mistakes. I won’t detail those because I have dealt with them before God and Christ cleansed me with His blood.  But as a result of some of those actions, I was also afraid I was running back to Iowa as a crutch. I know change of location doesn’t change who I am, but exposure to certain things can either mold us, or in my case, cause us to regress. I know, though, I would encounter those same obstacles livng in Iowa simply because they are apart of every day life.  I am fully aware that going home isn’t going to magically clean up my life and make me Super Christian, the amazing ladies-Bible study leading-kids-ministry-running-church lady. I have ample opportunities for that here. So, I have to admit, that the REAL reason I wanted to stay here: I didn’t want to give up my spiritual issues blocking my access to that ever-present Advocate and Lover of my soul. Every time Iowa started to tempt me back with a decent ear of corn on the cob, Utah would sing her siren song and hypnotize me with things that only temporarily sustain me.  I’d close my eyes, plug my ears, and lose myself in my distractions.  Still, I couldn’t shake unsettling feeling things weren’t right. (And how could they be? I was not in fellowship!)

So what did I do? I looked God in the face.  And I saw my sin.

I broke.

Brokenness says go home.

Go back to your family.  The culture you love. The wind that knocks you over, the sunsets that take your breath away.  Return to the Heartland, where your heart is. And, to be honest with yourself, did it ever leave?

Sunset in my hometown, Waterloo, over Brinker's lake. Purty, eh?

I miss it.

So, I am making a plan. I am willing to stay or go, but know God wants me to actively pursue returning to Iowa. I am going to apply for jobs online (I’ve got my eye on you, Wells Fargo!) after I come back from my vacation in November. This year, I am coming home for Christmas (YAY!) and I think that will be the real determining factor if Iowa is where I am to be.  In the meantime, I will hang tight in Utah and grow.